PU-1 ArmedPitts  

by Jim Pernikoff

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Silly Week 2006

 

(This is not my model; it was seen at an IPMS convention around 20 or so years ago.  My apologies for the poor quality of the photo, but it was scanned from a slide.)

The Democratic Party, in disarray after two Reagan landslides, realized that a change of image was imperative. Top Democratic military expert Robert S. McNamara was asked to devise a plan to make the Party look less wimp-like on Defense, but without diverting any funds from social welfare give-away programs. McNamara hit upon the idea of arming the agile Pitts Special to create a highly maneuverable (and extremely cheap) dogfighter, and then producing these aircraft in large numbers.

Winning instant approval for this plan from Ted Kennedy and Tip O’Neill, McNamara called in his "Whiz Kids" and they quickly modified the Pitts design into an "ArmedPitts" carrying two .50-caliber machine guns and four Sidewinder missiles (they didn’t want their Pitts to be under-armed). Jim Bede was persuaded to begin building a prototype, and Democratic hopes soared. McNamara felt that it would be no sweat for a C-5 to carry several squadrons of ArmedPitts to a trouble spot where, after being unloaded, the aircraft would be able to immediately Roll-On to a runway and take off to Spray an enemy with machine-gun fire or Stick him with a missile. It looked like a Solid plan.

This was not to be, however. The prototype was shown to military leaders who greeted it with an Arrid silence. They informed McNamara that the ArmedPitts would not be the Right Guardian for America’s freedom. Military Mennen women alike were overheard making comments such as "It’s a Sure loser," and "They Musk be kidding." Pilot after pilot refused to test the aircraft, commenting dryly that handling the ArmedPitts would be a hairy proposition since the additional weight of the armament would keep the aircraft firmly stuck to the runway.

Fearing another TFX-style scandal, embarrassed Democrats covered up their ArmedPitts and Banned any further discussion of the idea. The prototype aircraft was Secreted in the Washington Post’s basement for a time, but was eventually scrapped to prevent the possibility of discovery and the stink that would result from a rash disclosure by the Republicans of the Democrats’ ArmedPitts.

James

Photos and text © by James Pernikoff